friends
October 2008 
What qualities do you look for in a friend?
Posted on May 7th, 2007
by 
Praveer
Praveer
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for May 07, 2007:
1. The willingness to support, even though it might be a pain, burden, or risk to yourself. Willingness to put your life on hold even though you might slip back a couple of steps, such that your friend shifts at a crucial point in his or her life.
2. Genuine time sharing. Do I spend time only when I need help? (Which is manipulative). Do you just enjoy the companionship of your friend, for the pleasure of it?
3. Honesty. Can I tell my friend personal things with the complete trust that he or she will not use it against me later? Also, do I tell my friend things that might cause pain, but the obligation is on me to be honest?
4. If my friend is doing something important, do I follow it up? The deeper the friendship, the more questions. A real friend, for me, wants to know how you are emotionally, professionally, and physically, and seems to dig deeper than elevator talk.
5. Integrity. This is about my ability to honor my word to my friend. I hold myself to my word, and my friends to their word. Without this, there is the drab world of constant dissappointment.
My inspiration for this way of looking at friendship? Charlie Brown, Lucy, Peanuts and the rest of the gang! Thanks Charles Shultz, although you never put it in so many words!
And a million thanks for being here, to my friends at zaadz!
2. Genuine time sharing. Do I spend time only when I need help? (Which is manipulative). Do you just enjoy the companionship of your friend, for the pleasure of it?
3. Honesty. Can I tell my friend personal things with the complete trust that he or she will not use it against me later? Also, do I tell my friend things that might cause pain, but the obligation is on me to be honest?
4. If my friend is doing something important, do I follow it up? The deeper the friendship, the more questions. A real friend, for me, wants to know how you are emotionally, professionally, and physically, and seems to dig deeper than elevator talk.
5. Integrity. This is about my ability to honor my word to my friend. I hold myself to my word, and my friends to their word. Without this, there is the drab world of constant dissappointment.
My inspiration for this way of looking at friendship? Charlie Brown, Lucy, Peanuts and the rest of the gang! Thanks Charles Shultz, although you never put it in so many words!
And a million thanks for being here, to my friends at zaadz!
Access: Public
This is a beautiful tapestry of qualities, Praveer. Each item resonates truth and clarity - I found myself nodding as I read each one.
The #4 item is a big key - in some ways inherent to all of the qualities you describe. Healthy, engaged curiosity is an essential vitamin for any sustained relationship. I choose to stay curious about who you are. I maintain an active curiosity about what I can learn from having you in my story and being part of yours. Curiosity is liberating and judgment free; it is also a fun way to be!
The #1 item sparked my memory of something Deepak Chopra wrote in The Book of Secrets:
“There are only three kinds of people in your life: those who leave you alone, those who help you, and those who hurt you…. Those who help you have the strength and awareness to do more with your suffering than you are able to do by yourself.”
That's beautiful Laurie - tapestry of qualities. As I reflect on it, a friendship is indeed a unique art and craft that has provide me, in my experience, the only things worth having - love, vitality, being related, happiness - well over and beyond any survival need that I have.
By the way, in my own experience, its not just humans who have this art. Taurus, my neighbours' big glossy black labrador dropped by this evening after many months (We have an open door policy for Taurus). He went through the house greeting each and every family member with a nudge and a sniff. Sat politely while we all yakked at him, and when he was sure we were done, he got up and walked through every room in the house, checking out every single change, looking at me or Panda, as if to say - “Aha - that's new”, or “I like what you did here!” And then, after a biscuit or two, he sauntered off, satisfied that all was well and that we knew that he'd been busy, but he hadn't forgotten us! I've had a friendly crow do that too! Its as if its the most natural thing in the world, as a part of the universe, for 'all creatures, great and small' to take note of each other, something we humans call friendship!
And yes to Deepak Chopra's remark on three kinds of people. He's a wise man!
Thank you for your comment, Laurie. It crystallized something in me.
love
praveer
I missed this posting the day you made it, but actually can see that today was the day I really needed to read it…
I have seen you BE such a friend in the short time I have known you here. the way that you listen and focus in on the words and thoughts others write show your attention to the weaving of that tapestry of which Laurie speaks.
I love your story about Taurus. Our animal friends are just as kind in offering their awareness and love to us, and that you welcome the beautiful curiosity is touching!
Do you think a true friend also knows when it is important to give the other some space, that the real world complexities of life can limit their accessibility and time? So many times I wonder if I refrain from connecting with someone so I do not appear to smother them, that they may think I do not care. I will go ahead and answer my own question here…real friends probably know you are giving them the space you need, right?
I like your role model for inspiration!! I keep hearing that old Charlie Brown piano song where everyone is dancing around…including Pig Pen and all his dirt surrounding him!
Blessings my dear friend…I always feel as though we have shared a cup of tea when we connect…
Namaste
Blessings to you too, dear friend Aley!
I don't recall ever seeing Charlie Brown getting away with something that is really going to put a corkscrew in his life - because Lucy is there, belting him when he's out of line hwether he likes it or not!
In my life, I've had the awesome experience of having friends go to bat for me, have a straight talk with me, at the risk of losing a relationship when they've seen me on track with a disaster. I've been churlish enough to hurt and reject them - and had the profound experience of being forgiven and taken for who I am and who I am not, and having the relationship restored. It takes courage and judgement and a stand for another person to be that way. It also takes an agreement at some point in a relationship that the other person can go beyond being 'nice' and politically correct. It really boils down to whether you're interested in the other person to be straight, take the consequences, and continue to cherish and ongoingly nourish the friendship, whatever it takes.
Talking with you is a serious pleasure for me and sometimes I may not answer right away - I like the luxury of being able to savor the conversation!
Thank you so much for being here.
As always, I enjoy your thoughts and agree with the idea of savoring them as well…
I also think your idea of being able to take it “Straight” when it comes to real friends is very apropos as well….if it a relationship that is worthwhile we must take the bitter with the sweet and grow all the while.
Recently, I blogged about how the judgments of others, who are not necessarily ones friends, can be misconstrued. I have been reflecting on comments made about that blog and also my own feelings surrounding the idea in my meditation time.
I really welcome your insight as evidenced in this post Praveer.
You are a special and insighful friend and I honor your wisdom…
Namaste
Aley
Descartes said 'I think, therefore I exist'. In my reckoning, I exist in the way that my community says I exist.
Thank you for your appreciation and love, Aley - and for your listening of me - it brings life into my purpose for being alive.
Namaste.
Enjoying all of this conversation SO much:)!
Time & time again it comes to me that this playground of zaadz offers us so much more opportunity than social connections….. this is almost like sacred space, a certain tone is here…. there is such beautiful growing going on here… opening of hearts….. sharing of the deeper, more meaningful Treasures of our lives…..
It is this Genuine time sharing, heart & wisdom sharing in conversations like this one that continues to inspire me daily.
Thank you Praveer, Aley, & Laurie for some excellent food for thought.
PJ
I have shared your story about Taurus with several people now and it always inspires a magical sparkle in their eyes. It has a resonance that is both playful and profound; it is so easily recognized in the soul!
Our non-human co-captains are the animation of unconditional love. They embody it and grace us with their example. Nice to spend time and share thoughts with folks who get the spark of this great conversation you’ve started….
Peggy, Laurie - I'm in awe of this zaadz place, and the people who created it and nourish it - I wrote a note to Brian about this some time ago. When I travel around zaadz, looking at the thoughts and ideas and the conversations and the support that people offer freely without ever having seen hide nor hair of them I get goose bumps. This is exactly the kind of world that I want to create on the ground, to live in, have my kids live in, play, fulfill themselves, experience themselves in their lives, without borders, mental, physical or spiritual. When i think of it, in the history of the human species, there has never been a place like this before. Or consider it another way, it took all of history past to create a place like this. This is a sacred place.
Laurie, I'll let Taurus know he has friends on zaadz! Do you think he could be an honorary member? I'm touched that you considered something that I wrote worthy to be re-told to your friends.
Let's start an international zaadz station. I sure agree P, this site is a sacred space…
sacred zpace.
Hi taurus!
Taurus' dark eyes lit up when he heard that he's been greeted by zaadster ET! He's asking if that means, “Yes, he's an honorary member?” And if Chloe is going to be around? and if there are any other honorary members? (Barkus is willing! - Hamlet)
:-)
Oh great! Honorary member, yes indeed!! Taurus's influence is planetary now! Chloe is in too, but she asked for first dibs on the treats, she is persnickity about what she eats!
:)
Tandoori biscuits and a gruff “Wuf” (a promise to be a good friend) from Taurus to Chloe! Ok, looks like the first lot of honarary zaadsters is here - any others? Canaries, cats, lions, giraffes, elephants - welcome to Z-Ark!
“The universe is but one great city,
full of beloved ones, divine and
human by nature, endeared to each other.”
-Epictetus
Stoking the celebration of furry friends theme, I just got such a kick out of my friend, Laura’s recent blog post. Dog Diary v. Cat Diary. You may have seen it elsewhere (I think this has circulated for a while) - but new or not, hopefully it inspires the kind of giggles that cannot be denied:
http://josiemonkey.zaadz.com/blog
Thanks a million, Laurie - I laughed so hard when I read Laura's post that its taken me three days to recover and write back!
Happy to share!
Praveer, you have a genuine radiance - the rare presence that turns a cyber-smile into a tangible quality. It translates clearly in every exchange.
Wishing you abundant inspiration for laughter and silliness….always good vitamins for thoughtful souls.
Takes one to know one, Laurie!
And thank you for your abundant friendship in letting me know what I sound like…that's real generosity.
Here's to laughter and silliness and pure fun on the journey!